Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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