he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
