He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
