I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
