sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
