I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
