I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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