3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize