The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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