I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
