The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
