i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
