Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
