You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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