haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
