Cold hands, warm shart.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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