I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
