i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
