it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
