Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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