Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
