I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.