I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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