eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I did not marry a roomba.
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