I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
