dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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