i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
