Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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