There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This is classic penis vs brain.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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