Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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