Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
