proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
