my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
