I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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