why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
