nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
