I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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