I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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