why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
