you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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