My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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