Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
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There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
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You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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