I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
