I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
