I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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