Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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