Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
