everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
