I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
