Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
