The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
