my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
