i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
