I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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