We named our party play list daddy issues
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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