I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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